when grandmothers cannot talk to tell you how much they love you or you are not sure they can hear your words to them......

..........my nan died last night.....
i got a call yesterday telling me these horrible words "nan has 1 hour to live"...of course doctors have been known to be wrong in the past but this one felt like it was real.....so then i call Chris and he already knows the news cause my sister had called the cell phone to tell me and i wasnt with him so he quickly got a shower and picked me up within 10 mins to take me in and console me......i wasnt close to my grandmother the last time i seen her was like 4 yrs ago bringing her favorite thing, diet coke and to say hi....looking back now i wish i had stayed longer to talk about some more things but you cannot regret the past only look towards things you can change now....so i reach the home and get on the elevator not knowing what to expect only my sister telling me "she looks nothing like nan"....and there is my mom and 2 aunts 1 cousin my sister and my aunt in law(missing 2 daughters whom passed before her, 2 daughters living away, a son and countless grandchildren and greatgrandchildren)....needless to say it felt cold and sad in that room knowing everyone in the room knew what was to come very soon...so my mother softly says come over here and tell her you love her and i slowly reach the bedside...and shokingly to me i dont recognize her there gasping for air mouth wide open eyes just gazing at the ceiling not focusing on anything or even blinking...at this point there was no swallow refexes...i never seen anything like this before only on tv i have been to many wakes and funerals with loved ones but none that i seen taking their last few breaths...i felt sad and i start to uncontrolably cry because it is very overwhelming to me to be there at this time in my nan's life stages...with life you are only guaranteed one thing...to die at some point...some sooner then others but inevitably this is fate...i feel like i havent done anything in my lifetime to die say for instance tomorrow so i have promised myself to see through what i have dreamt of for a long time...to go to school to be an auto mechanic to have at least 2 children by the age of 35 and to live very comfortably with a loving father and husband...these are not outrageous dreams ones that i can accomplish and for my nan i am going to do so...i feel like i have alot to live for and am going to live on vicariousily taking what my nan may or may not have done and make my dreams come true...you will be sadly missed but not forgotten nan...please watch out for me and do not be too dissapointed if i get out of line or do something stupid....I LOVE YOU...and am deeply sorry for not letting you know that everyday since the day i could talk...